Cringe! The Ugly, Embarrassing Relationship & Spiritual Growth

Lots of people, including me, have had at least one relationship that we’ve found hard to let go or lay to rest as part of our past. Our whole world is relational and those relationships that make you shudder and cringe actually deserve a glass to be raised in their honour. HUH, no way! Absolutely not! Let me explain…

About 15 years or so ago I found myself in a relationship with a man that on any other given day I definitely wouldn’t have been attracted to. I distinctly remember seeing him from a distance for the first time and that inner voice - which I ignored - cautioning “No-o-o-”. On every level this man was completely “against type”. And that’s one of the reasons I told myself I was with him – because I wanted to break an “attraction pattern”. (Interestingly, its ending just preceded my time in my “dream lodge” – the intentional process I entered into to completely change every aspect of my life so I could be the woman I aspired to be. This relationship took me in exactly the opposite direction and I had to find my way back from it.)

I’m still not 100% comfortable with how low I allowed this relationship to take me. I never in a million years thought I’d be “that type of woman” – but for about a year or so, I was. All this time later and it’s still a little embarrassing to admit. But, with the help of my therapist and unrelenting commitment to my own spiritual aspirations, I look at that relationship now and find GRATITUDE for it. 

Because I know now, that we played our parts perfectly. And even though at times it has been extremely, excruciatingly, cringe-worthily painful, it’s actually been a key part in shaping the woman I am today. And for that I am profoundly grateful and proud that I played my part and won.

All relationships and relational experiences are about YOUR spiritual growth, YOUR personal development, YOUR spiritual upgrade. Sometimes it can be really hard to understand that, but when you do, you’ve struck gold. Once you realise what’s been in it for you (what the other person wants is irrelevant, that’s their story to tell not yours), you attain the next elevation of Spirit and you’re ready for your next learning experience. 

Poor relationships that leave you feeling wretched and raw help you to learn so much about yourself and the woman you want to be. They teach you about healthy boundaries, how to find your voice, how to hold your ground; they teach what’s important to you, about self-worth, trusting yourself, learning to listen to your intuition; they help you define your life values, pathway, create a vision for yourself and how you want to be. They help you to free yourself.

I’ve been thinking about how ugly relationships help us grow since a conversation this week with a client before her Lomi Lomi treatment. Discussing the ways of forgiveness, forgetting (letting it go) and restitution we designed a simple gratitude ritual that she could enact. A gratitude ritual is a process you design that holds personal meaning and power for you. It can be as simple as writing down all of the life learning that the relationship brought to you or a collection of actions, words, movements, songs, chants, prayers and activities that focus your intention and define the significance of the moment to you. Putting together a “bundle” for the Ancestors is another way to do it.

Whether simple or complex, a gratitude ritual can result in the final resolution and release of all stagnant energies related to the relationship, replacing them with the fresh energy of restoration at every level – past, present and future – and of course, aloha – unconditional love. Ultimately, that’s what it’s all about, unconditional love. Ugly relationships can help you find the beautiful swan inside.

If you would like help bringing things to an end and healing the past, then Ho’oponopono is the traditional way to go. Or, get the benefits from a healing conversation with specialist Holistic Relationship Counselling - I will connect you. Feel welcome to share this article with your friends. Aloha. x